.Pure Fiction..
05.14.05- 05.24.05

I don't know how to start. I just want you to know that I've written this so many times in my head now. I've written this a thousand times. I think about this every night for quite sometime now the way I used to think about you back then many months ago. It's easy to think about it but it's so hard to express it. It's so hard to put it on words or on paper. I doubt I can tell this to you directly though, I really doubt it. And it makes me feel really depressed and pathetic and shit and all and I'm ashamed and you'll probably blame me again for feeling this way, and you'll say that the only reason I am sad is that I make myself feel sad and that's my own fault the way you usually tell me whenever I tell you that I am sad. Hey, it's not like I want to feel this way, or maybe you really are right, that I really am making myself sad for a reason I made up that really doesn't exist. And perhaps you are right maybe that's the real truth but TANGINA.! Thanks a lot, for being so fucking stupid not to understand that that won't change the fact that I am sad. Don't you know OASIS latest album.? Don't Believe The Truth. TANGINA.! Because there is no truth or if there is you would never know it anyway. Thanks for blaming me instead of comforting me, you act as if I really like being sad. I tell you I DON'T, I'm really sorry because I am weak and pathetic and whatsoever but that's why I needed you. Because I can't do it on my own. And I'm really trying, I REALLY AM.

But people like you who I was HOPING would HELP me be a better person than I am now, a stronger more independent person, you put me down sometimes. You really do. I know it's not your fault but I want you to know that I thought I saw a friend in you and not just some person in that big unnecessary crowd of people that I don't give a damn about which is most commonly called the world population and you're always proving me wrong.

When you told me that you liked me, and that I was important to you and that you cared about me I believed you. I REALLY DID. So DAMN much.

Remember the time you told me that I'm always snubbing you when you said Hi and I wasn't saying Hi back and I told you that it shouldn't really matter because my presence doesn't really matter to you anyway because you don't really care whether I was there or not anyway.? You got mad and didn't talk to me for weeks and I cried about that in my mind and you told me that you got mad because you cared about me and that you're not such a bad person and anyway things are so damn shallow but anyway I BELIEVED you man, I really DID. Thanks for making me fucking stupid because I shouldn't have had. Ang arte mo kasi.

And every time you're proving me wrong, all the times that you weren't there for me are like scratches in my heart with claws so sharp that the wounds're so deep it never heals. And it BURNS. Even now.

Both of us know that you're such a great person and everything, so talented and smart and unique and all those stupid flattering stuff and I really admire your confidence and dedication and passion with everything that you're doing and both of us know that I don't have that kind of drive and that I'm just some low-esteemed shit that gets too depress too much. I know I'm pathetic and everything, but with those kind words you told me about me being important you and crap I thought or rather maybe I was hoping but it doesn't really matter whether it was both or only hoping or nothing of the above or whatever, anyway I thought/hoped that what you said was true enough for you to try to help me instead of blaming me and telling me to just forget about the feeling that I'm worthless.

I know I'm stupid thinking shit like that but DAMMIT it's not the easy MAN. It's not fucking easy for me and what you just did made me sick enough to want to die. I want to die in front of you. NOW EVEN.

I'm still some low-esteemed shit you know but I'm still trying not to be. And I promise you I will someday.

I really liked you man, and you said you liked me, and I know that what you felt won't last forever and I already conditioned myself to survive that but I was hoping that I've made a mark in your heart enough for you to remember me as your friend. And help me pick up those fucking stupid pieces of me on the floor. I guess I'm nothing more than a pass-time to you the way I've always been and the way I will always be. And it makes me sad but I've accepted it. But fuck it.! it's so damn tragic. It burns.

You never even remembered my birthday. You don't even want to be with me and meet my friends and when I was drunk and wanted to commit suicide and I called you and I told you to tell me that you don't love me anymore or that you never really loved me anyway or both, you told me that you're sorry you can't talk to me at that time because you're doing something important but you couldn't tell me what it is exactly and FUCK IT, wasn't I important.? FUCK YOU MAN. You don't fucking know how much that hurt.! It hurt more than that scar I've etched with a needle in my skin which is your name.

You could've just told me that you never loved me. I would've really appreciated that.

Or at least you could've told me that important stuff that you were doing at that time so I could've at least known what it was that you were exchanging me for.

Whenever you called me or messaged me in the Yahoo Messenger or tapped my arm at school because you wanted me to accompany you, I stopped whatever I did whether it was more important or not I didn't care, I didn't even think in order to entertain your presence you know.? But you never appreciated that. You never realized that, all those favors that you asked I never let you down not even once FUCK IT.! And the first and last time I called you (ikaw kasi lagi ang tumatawag) after a very long time, the time I needed you the most you were doing something, some important stuff that you can't even tell me what exactly and FUCK YOU, FUCK IT, FUCK EVERYHING.

And it's because you're too scared. You're too cowardly. You're such a fucking scaredy cat. And I find you such a big tragedy. KASI SAYANG KA TALAGA. Because you're so talented and smart and unique and everything but you can't even claim your own freedom.

I knew it was me you were talking about when you said you think too much to the point that you've missed someone you wanted to approach because she wasn't there anymore because you took too much time to think.

Or maybe it wasn't me, but you are scared anyway.

Before we became, you know, that shit, I knew you already liked me for I guess a month or two, even if I wasn't that sure I wasn't that dense you know, and I knew for a fact that I was starting to like you too even if you're so fucking scared, so scared that when your c**** gang teases you when I pass by you get so fucking exaggeratingly affected and it's annoying but I didn't care.

I really liked you, but you're so goddamn immature.

You can't even go to a concert with me because you're scared. You prefer staying in your fucking house and go online to research about your idols and I respect that. And you seem fucking happy that way and I know I should be happy for you and stuff but I feel sad because you don't fucking know what you're missing.

There are so many things I want to share with you pero natatakot ka kasi baka hindi ka payagan. DAMMIT. You don't even have the initiative.

You're so great that I could've worshipped you next to God, the way you talk so highly about yourself without any hesitance, the way na nilalait mo yung mga tao sa paligid mo, the way you know you are smart and talented and that so many girls go gaga over you, the way you seem so happy, but your “cowardness” pulls you down to my level. And I'm writing this to you because I want you to change because I loved you.

The world outside is so beautiful and you fucking talk about the lives of Steve Vai and Yngwie Malmsteem and your other idols as if you don't even have your own life.

It's nice that you're so obsessive over them, and na kulang nalang eh gumawa ka nang shrine, but I tell you, you can research about them all you want and I won't mind, but try to fix your scaredy cat problem.

I'm happy that you want to be the best guitarist in the world and I'm supporting you all that way but I tell ya, a guitarist lives and breathes music like you say, but music contains emotion and beauty but you won't see those if you're too scared. You can't create and appreciate music deeply you can't fully understand the life in music if you're too scared to claim freedom. To rebel for your own freedom.

And I'm so sad that you don't even take the initiative to understand that, to try to understand that, to try to understand that there's more to life than what you see on TV and what you read about your idols.

You're such a great person you know and yeah I know you know and I know you can be better that Joey Satrianni and everyone in G3, you can be like Slash of Velvet Revolver or even better and everything but in order to be a really good musician and breathe music like you say, you have to breathe life, and life is more than researching guitar techniques and being so fucking sheltered.

It's so fun doing stuff that people think are dangerous like being outside with your friends at 10 pm with no adults and looking at the stars. Or playing in the rain or at 2 am being in a concert full of hard metal people which are being crazy lunatics like hell and not caring if Pepsi bottles hit you and it's ok even if it hurts and bleeds because it's so fucking undefinable except that it makes you feel so BLISSFULLY ALIVE.

But you're too scared to rebel for your own freedom.

And that sucks.

You don't even know what's it like to be drunk or to commute by yourself and it's so fucking tragic.

Because you're so talented and intelligent and unique and I like you and I admire you for that because you are something that I'll never be, because I don't have the same dedication and self-confidence that you have and I'll probably be the same depressed nobody that I am forever, and I'll never get as far as you probably will but you fucking are too scared to be alive. You don't know what it is like to be alive.

And I could've shown you. But you're too scared or if you aren't scared at least you don't love me enough to even have the initiative. I'm telling you all these shit because I really like you man. This is the first time I've felt this way ever for a person. I think about you all the time and the times that we shared and I know we can't hit it off because we live in different worlds but I still wanted to show you mine anyway because that's what it is all about, and I also know that we are not meant to be, na pinagsawaan mo na ako and all that shit and even if I've given up hope, I still think that I love you even just as a friend, and I want to share things with you and that I also want you to know that I'm sorry I can't be there to be with you when you want somebody to talk to in the phone anymore because aside from namamaga na ang tenga ko sa telepono, I find phone conversations really boring. It's fun at first but I'd rather see you and be with you. Because I've outgrown it and talking to you in the phone everyday makes it just some stupid routine that's so boring and lifeless and shit. And besides, I know that you are calling me not because you like me but because you have nothing better to do and you know that I would listen because I like you.

Also I want to tell you that I'm over you. I really think so. I'm over that shit that I've felt for months and months before, during, and after you felt the same way which is, liking me. And during that time I hurt. I really did. So fucking much.

I can't tell these stuffs to you because I'm afraid I might hurt you or maybe I already know you enough to know that you can't take this shit that I think. I'm anticipating that you'd hate me for this man. And it's sad man. It really is.

Here's more man. I think that your FEEL NOTHING philosophy sucks. That you think emotions just make the world a confused chaotic place and that the world would be better off with out them, and therefore I should try to be like you and struggle to resist them.. well it's a nice philosophy maybe when you are 40 or something but DAMMIT we are young teenagers DAMMIT.! Emotions give life its zest. I don't care if it really makes this world confused and/or chaotic, whether or not it's confused and/or chaotic won't change the fact that emotions are BEAUTIFUL. I know being depressed sucks and that's why I suck and everything but fuck it HAPPINESS drives me. HAPPINESS is an emotion, LOVE is an emotion and so is PASSION and if I'm probably stupid enough I'll say that music is an emotion too and I won't exchange those stuff for anything. Because they're the only things that I live for. And I know it's shallow and I know I am shallow and I don't care, I'm happy that way and I hoped that I could've shared that happiness with you but you've never let me and it's tragic and that tragedy makes me so fucking sad and frustrated and irritated and I want you to feel that I'm angry, that I feel so sad because I wanted to share to you the world so badly.

Oh well.

Anyway, sayang.

I just want to let this out of my chest because it's such a fucking burden. I know that I don't see the whole picture and I'm probably wrong the way I usually am because I have a distorted deranged way of thinking like the rest of the goddamn population say and I don't care. I still want you to feel what I feel. And you know that line in one of Metallica's song.? Nothing else matters.

Also, I also want you know that you've never made me feel special the way you claimed that I am. I know it's not your fault though but I wanted you to know that anyway. I know I'm not really special to you and to the rest of the world; that I'm just some depressed low-esteemed nobody that's gonna die a nobody anyway but I still want to write that anyway.

You never made me feel loved. Or maybe you did once in a while but that was so fucking long ago. You just made me feel like I'm some stupid pass-time and maybe I really am. And maybe I really mean nothing to you even though you said I did mean something and it's okay because it's not really your fault but it made me sad anyway and I want you to know that.

And you probably don't give a shit about these things in my mind and I don't care.

Actually I care, but I don't care that I care. Caring is the mere shit that made me so fucking pathetic and it's driving me insane.

I just want to let go of these feelings by writing them down. And you know what's more.? I am ashamed of all that's written here because it's sad and tragic and stupid and pathetic and I know I've been using those Goddamn words too much and I'm sorry I don't know that much words the way you do to serve as replacements and I'm too dumb to get a thesaurus or consult Microsoft word or whatever I don't care I find those words the most appropriate anyway.

Anyway, I'm ashamed that what I felt is sad and tragic and stupid and pathetic that if I wasn't feeling this I probably would laugh at the person who does and that makes me feel even sadder and more tragic and more stupid and more pathetic and it sucks because I'm not that good at language unlike you and you'll probably see a lot of grammatical errors here and laugh about it and it's so fucking sad. Because I can't make you feel this shit that I'm feeling.

Because I don't think anybody felt this way about you ever and I've never felt this way before and its intensity so fucking sucks.

That's why I'm letting them go by writing these stuff to you. And I'm going to go on with the rest of my life. I know I've told you this before but I guess I was wrong back then and I'd probably be wrong now and I don't care.

Because I really like you man, and I'm sad things didn't work out. But I'm glad it's over. That I'm over you. I still think about you sometimes the way you made me laugh and happy by just being yourself and I really still think about you sometimes but not like and as often as before and I've moved on.

I also want you to know that I'm still the same old depressed shit except that I'm happy. It may sound dumb and senseless and contradicting to you but I don't care. Nirvana says it better, I think I'm dumb or maybe just happy. I'm not like them but I can pretend. The day is gone but I'm having fun.

I'm sorry because I know both of us are only human and that I'm acting like you are a piece of shit but this is how I feel. I know that there are two sides in every story and I can't see your side and you can't blame me for not seeing the truth because nobody can see the truth anyway.

I just want to move on, and I know I've told you I've moved on, but I really haven't unless I tell you these stuff. Because I think of you as a friend, and maybe it's one-sided I don't care, and I think friends should be honest with one another. I hope you won't hate me for telling you what I think. I also want you to know that I know it's not really your fault that you hurt me, and that it is really my fault because I let myself be hurt, because I'm the one hurting, and that I'm the one who's weak but I don't care I still want you to know these anyway.

And perhaps you'd think I'm over-reacting and yeah, I don't care. Actually I really do, and that's why I'm ashamed about this but I can't do anything about that because I don't want to lie and pretend that this is not what I feel. Because I've been lying to myself for quite sometime now and I'm sick of it.

That's all I guess, actually that's not all but my hand is numb because it's already tired of writing and my mind and heart is tired as well and this is written on paper and I'm gonna input it pa sa computer and that's tiring so I guess that all, even if it isn't.

Alam mo walalang. Para akong baliw na tanga, kasi natatawa ako kasi nakakaawa itong tanginang naramdaman ko. Pero okay lang, masaya naman ko.nagundergo ako ng mental training eh. Hahaha.

Goodbye, I'm happy that you're happy like you say with your boring (I think) life, your life without me, and if you're really not, you will be, because I'll be praying for you. I really will.

Goodbye again.

Tangina, sana hindi ako maduwag at ma-email ko to sayo.

PS. Happy Birthday ulit. Alam mo ba nung summer slam binilang ko kung ilan yung naka Nirvana shirt katulad nung sinuot mo nung C**** music presentation. Seven.

[o5.24.2k5 || Pure Fiction || Mithi. ] 9